Today marks the final day for the Ayyappan Puja. I'm really looking forward to it. Not that I love going to temple or anything like that. Well ya there might be pretty girls down there but for some strange reason that's not why I want to go every year. I guess it's to see familiar faces that I always used to see as a kid when I was involved in some Association or maybe the only time when I truly feel like I'm talking to God about how's life and so on{paranoid}. The One thing I really will enjoy is when I hear the people chanting God's name aloud as well as catchy prayers. It feels like you are cheering for your favourite soccer team. {This probably explains why Nat loves to go to church.} I assure you, you can feel the sounds penetrate your body giving of some kinda vibe.
Maybe I really do need to be cheered up. Past few days have been full of headaches and a whole list of things to be accomplished as well as expected to be done running through my head. {who am I kidding it's been years man. YEARS?} I guess I have myself to blame. The biggest headache is what am I going to do now when I finish my temporary service to the country I "adore". It boils down to practicality versus interest and passion.
| Practicality 4yrs to complete can get a job job is always needed job can get boring know people who are doing it | Interest and Passion 7yrs to complete after 4 yrs still a nobody Fun Projects |
Right now it seems important just to get a basic degree in life. Doesn't really matter whether you will use it at the end of the day. I really hate that, all that studying just to do something else. Right now what I want to do seems really unattainable. Yah I know it isn't. I mean I could retake some fucked up paper again. But it would just bore me to death. So what would you suggest? Change in mind set followed by those idiotic quotes that goes like:
If you believe you can, you can achieve anything.
Never say die
It'sail in the mind
The hardest step is the first step
Don't give up
Never stop trying
......
Oh please. Words are meaningless and forgettable just like love you and let's be friends
and those others like I believe in you. Hell even by the time I finish typing this I'd look back and laugh.
Suicide was always a joke to me to the point I almost break into laughter when a person asked me have I ever thought about suicide when I was going through secondary education. I mean it brings burden to the ones who care about you or at least your family. My flat's window has always been opened since I was a child, so jumping of from there was such a simple feat. When I say I feel like shooting myself I don't really mean ending my life. I just want to get rid of some pain to clear my mind of misery, anger, vengeance, spite and emotions. At the end of the day I guess I really have to take a good look at the mirror and not just notice the big pimple that's on my left cheek, how white my teeth are, is my hair still growing, why are my eyebrows thick, why do I look so plum, why am I hairy, or prepare my fantastic {full of bullshit} speech by talking to the mirror but have to face the one thing I hate doing: BECOMING the BEST.
Oh well after the prayer if I still am not cheered up there's always a can of beer probably 2 yrs of age to drown my sorrow and a whole load of cartoons to reminisce my childhood. CHEERS!
Before I end off, it would really be mean of me not to credit some guys who have helped me no matter how little it seemed: Tingfeng, Bhatt, Alan, Ashwin, King, Nat and my Attans. Of course not forgetting some guys who lends me some cds but I shan't mention any names that will dishonour them. Hahahaha thanks for the laughs.
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